


Witness Him

by Barkour



Category: Thor (Movies)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-26
Updated: 2017-11-26
Packaged: 2019-02-07 07:28:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,402
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12836256
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Barkour/pseuds/Barkour
Summary: In space, no one can hear you scream when you walk in on your brother ruining everything.





	Witness Him

**Author's Note:**

> I don't want to talk about it. And of course there's background/historical Sif/Loki in this. What am I, inconsistent?

In typical fashion as soon as Thor accepted kingship he delegated all the boring administrative work to Loki. Perhaps delegate gave Thor too much credit: Loki wrested it from him. The work was so dull it would have killed Thor on the spot. Besides, Loki had got used to it when he was running Asgard all on his own, thank you. 

Of course if he’d left Thor to suffer the hideous burden of _securing trade relations for a migratory peoples_ and _acquiring fuel_ then Loki would have been spared the worst moment of his life, a life that he would happily argue was nothing but a series of worst moments tied together with cheap string.

(He had said this once to Sif and she had laughed in his face. Oh, sometimes he thought of her, and he was glad to know her safe on Midgard rather than dead, dead as Volstagg and Fandral and Hogun; and as soon as they were all reunited Thor would behold her and they’d go into one of their inexplicable warrior show-me-yours-and-I’ll-show-you-mine dances and he’d tell her everything and then Sif would in her grief-stricken rage state murder Loki.)

But he hadn’t left it to Thor, because how could he have possibly left it to Thor, and then the Nova Corps insisted on speaking with the rightful king of Asgard so Loki had to explain to Thor why it was he’d made arrangements with Nova only Thor wouldn’t answer the door and so Loki had no choice but to walk through the wall into Thor’s bed chambers where he discovered Thor committing an atrocity.

“Loki,” said Thor, naked but for the robe he’d hastily thrown on, “you’re overreacting.”

“I am not overreacting!” Loki shrieked. 

Thor had shoved Loki into what surely had once been a walk-in closet for this reasoned discussion, safe from prying eyes and ears.

Thor laughed. “You are a little bit overreacting. You’re starting to—” He spun a finger at his own throat. “Shrill.”

“Loki whiner!” added Hulk from the bedroom.

Closing his eyes, Loki wished Sif were there to drive a knife through his skull. He cleared his throat and tried to speak lowly:

“I am not overreacting. It’s only that you are— That you were—” Loki made a helpless gesture, hands nearly pressing then flinching away from the other palm. 

“Oh, come off it,” Thor scoffed. “We’re both grown. Don’t you think we’re old enough to talk like mature adults about this sort of thing?”

“‘This sort of thing’? You mean to say, your _fucking the Hulk_?”

The image of it was seared into Loki’s being for ever: his own brother, running a covetous hand down that colossal muscular back. Thor biting his lip. The Hulk cursing at him, not in full anger but in frustration that Thor wasn’t fucking him _faster_. 

In that moment, one foot still phased into the wall, Loki had understood how it must have felt every time he’d betrayed someone. It was like witnessing his adopted-brother-twin fucking the Hulk.

“Boo hoo!” shouted Hulk. “Loki cry-cry-cry!”

Looking rakish and fond, Thor scratched at his bearded chin. “Well,” he said, “he can’t really fuck me.”

“Don’t,” said Loki. “Don’t you dare finish—”

“Yet,” said Thor brightly. 

Loki lunged for Thor. That was hardly his first mistake of the day. Years of scrapping and being duly ear-tweaked should have sunk in, but somehow Loki always forgot Thor played as dirty as Loki ever did.

With an arm wound tightly about Loki’s neck and Loki’s face shoved into his awful, naked armpit, Thor said, “I thought you’d be happy with me for moving on.”

“He tried to kill me!”

“Everyone’s tried to kill you. And you started it.”

“Let go of me, I can smell his sweat stink on you!”

“You didn’t see me acting like a fool when I walked in on you and Sif,” Thor reasoned, though he did at last release Loki, who backed warily into the closet corner. 

“No,” said Loki, “you only laughed so hard you cried.” 

Thor was laughing just thinking of it. “‘Oh, Sif!’” he cried, and he slapped at his knee. “You looked like a pair of chickens trying to rip each other’s heads off.”

“Then you took her aside the next day and made her swear to be gentle with me, as if I were a cosseted maiden.”

“Only because you’re so soft,” said Thor earnestly. “I mean, you’re a treacherous assassin, but your heart is so fragile, and I didn’t want Sif to strip you of your maidenhead and move on without any kindness.”

“I wasn’t a maiden!”

Thor gave him a pitying smile. “Of course you weren’t.”

“All of this is beside the point!” Loki stabbed a finger toward the door. “Why are you in bed with, with him!”

“Well,” said Thor. “He’s very big.”

Loki stared at him. Thor scratched again at his beard and squinted at the ceiling. Loki went on staring. He was trying very hard not to think about what Thor had said or what Thor was going to say when Thor opened his mouth and said,

“I just couldn’t stop thinking about it.”

“No,” said Loki.

“The whole thing is just very…” Thor hefted both his hands very, very wide. “Proportional.”

“Hulk have huge dick,” said Hulk, right at the door.

Loki hissed, “ _You’re screwing the Hulk because he has a large penis._ ”

“Hu-u-uge,” said Hulk.

Thor smiled as if the smile had overwhelmed him, and he shrugged one shoulder in that way he had of acting helpless, as though he couldn’t have possibly resisted fucking the enormous abomination of science that had once nearly beaten Loki to death.

“He’s got a lot of heart in him, too,” Thor said as if reassuring Loki. “You know, if you take the time to really talk with Hulk, he’s a decent man. Funny. Strong, and you know I like strong—”

“Please, just stop talking,” said Loki, “I’ve already died and gone some place else.”

“And it’s just that we have a lot in common.” Thor pitched his voice louder and thumped the door. “Don’t we, big guy?”

“Thor good friend,” said Hulk. “Tender lover. Treats Hulk right.”

To Loki’s horror, his horror having somehow not yet topped out, Thor beamed enormously, so enormously his remaining eye creased into a dark crescent. Loki experienced a long delayed and profound emotional reaction to the madness of the last few years. 

Oh, my god, he thought, I think I’m having an identity crisis.

Thor shifted and readjusted the robe in his lap. “Anyway, so what was it you needed to speak to me about?”

Very faintly Loki said, “We can talk about it later. Wouldn’t want you to keep your, uh… company… waiting.”

“That’s very considerate of you, Loki.” Thor eyed him. Eyed, thought Loki: and his head nearly rolled off. “So… You approve?”

Even more faintly, Loki said, “This isn’t just the once?”

Very seriously in turn did Thor say, “Jane leaving me, well, it broke my heart, Loki. But Hulk’s been through something similar a few times. We understand each other. I think with time we might even—”

“Good-bye,” said Loki abruptly, and he phased backwards right into the bathroom, and from there he walked out into the corridor, out of the royal quarters, back to the bridge, to Heimdall, to whom he said only, “You couldn’t have _warned_ me.”

Heimdall gazed out at space and said, “I answer only to my king,” and Loki gave him the finger then sent the Nova Corps a message telling them to please wait until the morrow for the king’s reply as the king was already occupied with diplomatic relations with another party.

Then Loki went to Valkyrie. 

“What do you want?” she said sneeringly at him.

“To get drunk,” he said, “and then I’m going to call my ex.”

“Oh, absolutely,” said Valkyrie, “that sounds like a wonderful plan. I’ll get the drinks and you go ahead and call them up. Him? Her?”

“Her,” he said. “The lady Sif.”

“Poor girl,” she said. “D’you want to be fun drunk or sad drunk?”

Loki said, “Surprise me.”

“I’ll roll you out the airlock if you aspirate.”

“You’ll want to keep me alive long enough for Sif to gut me,” he said.

“Is it likely she’ll do that?”

“Oh, it’s near certain.”

“Finally,” said Valkyrie, “a proper party. I’ve been dying. Lemon?”


End file.
